From then on
by practical-achiever
Summary: Happiness is not something that just happens, it's a series of choices. Roxas never thought too much of his decisions, that people cared for him, or that his decisions could possibly hurt others. Will he be able to piece back what he broke? AkuRoku S&R Z


**Authors Note: **Yes, indeed, my very first fanfic. Of course, bit angsty since this is the first chapter, but bare with me guys! **R&R  
Pairings: **AkuRoku, SoraRiku, Zemyx; Not until later though, guys. Sorry.**  
Disclaimer: **As much as I would LOVE to claim these characters as my own, they are not.   


From then on...

**_"The Wrong Decision"_**

The moment my breathing became shallow, the minute I began to feel cold, and in the second that I set that knife to my wrist, were moments of pure bliss. I never thought of anyway to get out of this hell, never have I thought to escape any other way. Many would say cowardly, and other would say it never would solve my problems, but, oh, how it did. And maybe it was cowardly, though maybe that's who I am, and in some respect, I am able to grasp that fact about myself. At least I broke free of this labyrinth, finally able to see from a different respect, and finally at peace, to know it's all over. In those few minutes, that's all that I grasp, all that I thought before my mind was completely engulfed by darkness, and from what I though, set free.

Roxas never knew the concept of people caring for him, never knew anything but living in his brother's shadow. Though that dark night, when he awoke, clad in a white hospital gown, things started to come back to him. "Roxas? You awake, kiddo?! Your finally fuckin away?!" A loud, shrieking voice came from no other that the tall, lanky red head himself. Yes, Axel was there, awaiting the awakening of the small, blond kid, and yet, the concept of his language being /bad/ never caught up with him. Groggily, Roxas lifted his hand to wipe his eyes, until the pain of his left wrist shot through his entire body, forcing out a loud, painful moan. "I wouldn't be lifting that if I were you… you're lucky you're alive." A deeper, more matter-of-fact voice emitting from another boy in the room.

Lucy he was alive? So he wasn't dead yet. Cracking the cerulean eyes, and generally looking around the room he found a few familiar faces, all there in the plainly white hospital room. There was Axel, who was still jumping up and down, expecting some sort of happy-go-lucky response from the blond. In the corner of the room, he saw Zexion, leaning against a wall, where the sandy-blond with a bad haircut, otherwise known as Demyx, was sleeping on a chair next to him. Sora was even there, his brunette hair looking even spikier, as his cerulean eyes looked glossy, as if in a trance, and still fixed on Roxas. Behind his brunette brother, Riku stood comforting the smaller guy, whispering things into his ears, though it seemed to do nothing for the other. Somehow, the 'recovering' blonde didn't think this was exactly the best way he wanted to wake up.

"what…" He began to say, though noticed his mouth was fairly dry, as were his eyes… was he crying before he attempted suicide? "What are you doing here? Fuck… why am /I/ here?" Roxas stated, before a glass of water was shoved in his face so kindly by Axel, and with his right hand, he took it. Drinking defiantly got rid of the cottonmouth. Zexion cast a disbelieving look towards Roxas, as the question came out of his mouth. Finally, the glossy eyed Sora gave Roxas a real look, one that said tears were about to fall from his eyes any second. Riku glanced down at the almost-weeping Sora, and probably snapped "What the hell kind of a question is that, Roxas? Sora fucking found you after you slit your wrist! You know he hasn't said a FUCKING WORD SINCE THEN?! Whatever, Sora, c'mon… lets come back later.." Riku stated, pushing Sora who gave a last glance to his recovering brother, before walking with the silver haired guy.

Axel cast a disapproving look down to his hands, before he shot right back up to Roxas "You know, Riku is right. As much as I love ya man, you pick the worst things to say at the worst times. Even better, Sora really has been in shock finding you all bloody and crap… Ya know, I was the first person he called. It wasn't pretty… and to say in the least, I never want to see that dead look in your eyes again, even if there was a smile on your face! You worried us sick! Consider yourself lucky Sora found the suicide note you left behind-" Axel was of course cut from his ramblings when an angry Roxas spoke up. "Lucky? Why am I hearing I am lucky? You know, if I really were, then I wouldn't be here! I'd be FUCKING DEAD. I guess no one sees that I tried to die for a reason! Fuck!" He basically yelled it, and usually he'd take some words like that back, but he really wasn't in such a guilty mood.

"Don't." Zexion said, actually stepping forward and pushing a hand against Axel's chest. "You really don't get it, do you Roxas? Axel and Sora have been here since you got hospitalized. It's been three days. I only came every once in a while as I could, and Demyx refused to leave the last two nights. Riku was always comforting Sora, but he's become mute since he found you. And if you haven't seen that look in his eyes, being his brother I figure you would, he's been exactly like that for three days. Traumatized because of you. Don't start yelling at Axel, or anyone else when it's your selfish actions that landed you here. And you selfish actions that's cause more people pain than your happiness." He stated simply, crossing his arms and giving Roxas a look a pure disgust.

"Kiddo… I didn't want to say anything that harsh, but he's right. We were… well, worried about you." You could tell Axel calmed himself after Zexion's little speech, but there was still a hint of anger in his voice, and you could tell he was holding back. Roxas only chose to say nothing, just sit in the unbearable white room while fuming to himself, and giving his mind a moment of peace to try and thing of what was going on.

-x-

His eyes remained fixed on the white wall for what seemed like days, however, when they flashed back to the clock, he saw only about three hours time had gone by. Roxas could feel it now, the numbness, and emptiness he felt when everyone was gone, almost as if the room were swallowing him into oblivion. A few hits on the morphine did a little good for his wrist, but he was also told, just before he watched Axel's retreating back, that he'd be released tomorrow, and Axel would be back to pick him up. The thing is, where was he going to go? Just being released doesn't make it better. His parents weren't even there, why would they want him to come back home? Into their household where their favored son was now a mute because of the half-son, the hooker's child.

Yeah, you could tell home- he debated on even calling it that- was not a place he wanted to leave to. The house was split in halves. His and Sora shared the same father, while their mothers were different, though only Sora's was the one to stay in the house and hold the motherly role. Not like she ever did for him. No, the tall brunette with wavy hair, and small green eyes was a bitch in Roxas' mind. He hated her guts, and from the fights that were always started about Roxas, no less, was not enjoyable to watch. Every time he heard that woman bring up the subject of him calling her "Mother" or something more suitable than "Mrs. Hikori" a tinge of guilt would churn in his stomach.

Besides Sora's mother being a bitch, his mother was no better. A woman, who had apparently been an old tome friend to Sora's mother, Kamahi, and his own father, had gotten too drunk on a nice night out on the town. She was picked up that night, and apparently 'wooed' her way into his father's pants. Well, what was a one-night stand, turned into a pregnant situation; His mother had him, and left him with the father, who might I say, had to explain everything to Kamahi. And she who, mind you, was not a big fan of Roxas' mother after that. Thus, the constant fighting even for years to come.

Roxas always felt guilty, always thinking of the perfect life they would have if he weren't in it. His mother would still be close friends with Sora's, Sora would be truly happy, not always trying to force a smile, and their lives would be… perfect. So the day Kamahi laid the divorce papers on the counter, and Sora was up crying all night, Roxas finally knew what he had to do. In that, he waited up all night, staring at the deep blue walls of his room, waiting until morning when Sora knocked on his door, only to get the reply that the blond was not going, on account he felt sick. After hearing Sora leave, Roxas took the blade he stashed during the night, and attempted to give Sora and his family the perfect life they deserved, thus ending the pain inside.

All in all, nothing went well, and in this white room Roxas began to feel the tinge of guilt he deserved for making his brother break. The brother that was always strong for him, not matter how hard a time Sora was having too. Always pushing a smile on his face. Even Axel, the one who could get furious with anyone, the one who always seemed like he could give a shit, he seemed sad. Roxas knew he fucked up, oh yes, he knew.

Finally, the soft sobs came and the tears began to force their way out of those sea-colored eyes. The quiet room filled with the gasps for breath under the cries of guilt, and the falling tears that made the loudest ringing through the atmosphere.

Few things were clear to Roxas: One, even with his intentions he was still a selfish bastard, wanting to end his life and all his pain. Two, he had no idea how to pick up from there, to start his life again after trying to end it. Three, things might never be the same from then on, and no matter how hard he tried, things may never piece back together again…

**Another Authors Note: Yeah, I ahve to ask. Please review, I love criticism.  
I know you waaannnttt tooo. ;) **


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